As I stare blankly at my computer screen, I find myself thinking about life. Not in some philosophical ‘what is the meaning of life?’ or ‘what is my purpose here?’ way, but in a general ‘what’s next?’ or ‘what if?’ conditional thought-processing cycle. As I do this, I suddenly become scared. Why? It’s never one sole reason – but a million little things that begin to mount-up. It’s like having numerous dark shadows encircle you, growing as the fear increases. Until finally you feel like retreating into a fetal position; legs clutched to your chest and your head buried into your knees.
Earlier this year I made the very difficult decision to not recontract with my employers in Japan. I will therefore be returning to Adelaide in August of this year. At the moment of signing my notification of intent, I felt this was the right decision. I missed home. I missed my family and friends. I had many things I needed to ‘straighten-out’ in regards to my career status. It would be nice to be around scenery I was familiar with. As well as have the freedom of a car! However, in the past week it suddenly hit me. Like a kick to the chest, the pain made me feel breathless. I was scared.
But why? I am excited to be reunited with family, friends (and my car), so why was I suddenly so frightened of my return? After being away for nearly two years now, I feel Australia is almost unknown to me. While the scenery and my relationships all remain the same, it's the culture I am afraid about. Living in an almost conversely different culture for the last two years will have certainly changed my perspective to daily situations and outcomes.
“… Being indirect in my requests among colleagues will no longer be effective… Shops will (inconveniently) not be open 24 hours a day… No one will be staring at me as I walk down the street or stroll through the mall…”
Perhaps it is employment I am most fearful about. I will no longer have a weekly routine, where my job schedule is organised by a supervisor. Instead, I am on my own. Independent. Unemployed. New. Scared.
I feel lost about my own home country. I feel out-of-touch and on the outside. I am uncertain about the teaching curriculums and pedagogies I studied only 3 years prior. I’ve only known and taught Japanese curriculums for two years – how am I meant to suddenly switch back? The fear extends to employment opportunities. Are there employers willing to take-on an inexperienced, slightly unconfident and unknown teacher? Who will be my reference? Can anyone vouch for me after being absent from the Australian teaching workforce for two years?
Or maybe my fear stems from the unknown. As I reflect on my life, I’ve realised I have always had a plan. From attending university, right up to applying and participating in the JET Programme, I’ve planned my life up until this moment. When I return to Australia this year, what will I do next? For the first time in my life, I don’t have a concrete plan. This makes me scared.
Instead of allowing this fear to mount, I’ve decided to take a step back and breathe. During my time here in Japan, I’ve faced a number of challenges. It’s these challenges that have helped me grow and learn what it is to be an ‘adult’. I might not have a concrete plan, but I have long-term goals. It is these long-term goals that I should now concentrate on achieving as my next plan. How and what I will do next to get there, shouldn’t be frightening. It should be just another challenge; a challenge that I will be able to overcome.
I guess my thinking did kind of finish on a more philosophical note than conditional – but that is just how our thinking cycles!
